


League of Temperance

by skekMal



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Silly, oh my, they are too good for that, vampires shouldn't suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:15:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27080317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skekMal/pseuds/skekMal
Summary: A bit of REHAB.
Kudos: 5





	League of Temperance

You live in a castle, you change into a bat, your fangs are unusually large, and in the light a bit stronger than a lamp you change into a pile of ash? Besides, you are not tolerated by others for the sole reason that you kill the citizens of the place in which you are allowed to live (or not live)? Are you fed up with numerous decapitations, pounding with a pitchfork into a gate, and a strange want for the naked and innocent women, or you want to fit into the world, which has already entered the new age, leaving you behind?

Very good! Rehab is what will surely allow you to go straight out without fifty-year non-existence in a coffin!

Rehab ... how terrible this word is for someone who has to endure it. From anything. Then there are numerous temptations that you would not even know about unless you went to Rehab. Then the girls' necks are whiter and more delicate, and all these pulsating veins invite you to taste. And those faintings ... faintings are the worst.

The League of Temperance, however, can help you, not only extending a hand in terms of community and support but giving a list of effective bits of advice that we have called the Day of the Reformed Vampire. Together with these tips, your day will seem beautiful, sunny * and free ...from the word on B!

First, try to sleep well. Nothing tempts you more to drink B like a few sleepless days. Then you are particularly susceptible to irritability, your bloodshot eyes want a peaceful view of an innocent girl, and the appetite increases in proportion to the number of days you have spent not sleeping. Remember that a well-rested vampire is a happy vampire, so a vampire who never, but never thirsts for b ... the word on B! Remember! You can do it!

Addictions can be very effective. If you start the day with a cup of coffee or tea, you will immediately forget about the temptation. Remember to treat them as a substitute and kill your hunger with a hunger for coffee or another stimulant. Once you start, it will be easier for you and you will not dream of anything more than a biscuit nearby a curious-looking, appetizing cup with a spoon protruding from the crystalline yet murky liquid ... ahhhh, tea! Give it to me, quickly, I have to ... arghhh ...

Creative activities also help. Just immerse yourself in your hobby, which is the least associated with ...that word on the B. It can be model making, photography, or compulsive reading of the armorial - everything is within your reach and everything can help! Without thinking about B ... and playing in the best with your new model of the postal carriage no. 346 / Z you will be a happy vampire, so a vampire who always controls oneself!

Change your name! It will be easier for you to feel more human and blend in within the crowd, which will give you a sense of stability and comfort, and your thoughts will wander in the human zones, not B ... It's easier to find friends who will help and even force you (in a sense) to abandon night hunting. If of course, you will want to continue your friendships.

Our meetings will help you see how many others have resisted temptation before you, and you will also see those for whom you can be the inspiration! Mutual help, support, and understanding of our general problem are the foundations of our community. Come to meetings to make your life better without ... word on B!

We give advice on how to talk (no human talks like a vampire, so we help to adapt socially), how to eat (some vampires have trouble transitioning from liquid to solid), how to acclimatize, not look too ostentatious. All lectures at 2 am.

Here are some opinions of our brothers and sisters who decided to leave the darkness:

**Garda van Brecht**

_There was not a day that I would not think about blood! I was hungry all the time, and I did not want to be a monster like my father! That is why I have been active socially for years, distributing clothes to the poor, and drinking only cocoa. The Temperance League has made me a better day child who can look the sun in the face and laugh happily._

**Vondel von Ghrytel**

_I belong to an old family with traditions. We always hunted cattle ... I mean people. I'm sorry, I've gone headlong again ... There was not a day that we would not suck a sweet, sticky, wonderful ... aaaa, coffee, give it a quick ... oh noes, not the tea, I need coffee!_

**Nitto Hrygh**

_I'm a vampire with self-made rules. I have not been drinking blood for a very long time. The temptation is not as strong as it was ten years ago. Peacefully pass my days, day after day, in total, overwhelming calm. I am like a newborn. For ten years * please someone help me *_

The League supports its members by giving them employment, self-esteem, and a dream about getting rid of a defect that people like to condemn. Each member has a chance to become a normal citizen who does not suck, and therefore is happier and more useful for society as well as himself!

Now, let us sing in harmony! Together!

_Life without this scarlet liquor_

_It's not that difficult, our friend._

_The spirit of our members strengthens all of us_

_Tea sip and a cheerful song_

_Lets us defeat the temptation_

_The white sight of the womb._

_Although the black cloak is in fashion today_

_Have moderation - it will not hurt you._

_Do not let the blood word your lips flow,_

_Because one's ashamed who overuses it._

_Drink a healthy and delicious tea_

_The blood in the veins and there it should be._

* See? It's working now!


End file.
